Tag: millennial

i fuckin love pumpkin pie, back off

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on What I’m Thankful For

As the calendar page flips once more to November, it’s time to trot out the list of “what I’m thankful for.” Presumably, the list is brought out because of Thanksgiving. Canada, however, celebrates their Thanksgiving in October, so I would say it’s more of a general “holiday” spirit that brings the list up.

When my mother moves* to have everyone say something they’re thankful for, pre-Thanksgiving Dinner, I will be producing this written list, and reading it aloud.

  • The return of mom jeans: high-waisted jeans, which are flattering on approximately 35% of the population, bring a sense of comfort
  • Entrepreneurs: people are solving problems and launching new businesses. Creativity is to be celebrated.
  • Travel: I can order drinks and start fights in several languages
  • Netflix: Despite the judgy “are you still there?” pop-ups. It’s worse when you see your reflection in the black screen and you can’t meet your own eyes.
  • Champagne: bubbles and alcohol make anything palatable; my life’s one long bar exam
  • Celebrities appointed to academic positions of power: If Sean Spicer can be a Harvard Fellow, then it’s demonstrably true that no matter what I do, there will always be hope for me.
  • Timehop (or, “On This Day…”): there might be a pizza stain on my sweatpants, but at least I’m not taking blunder-ful teenage photos now. The #glowup is real.
  • PayPal: my tipsy impulse shopping enabler. Not everyone takes Venmo and it suuuuucks
  • When there’s one sweater left and it’s in your size: I don’t even feel a little bad about buying it.
  • The little things: it’s too unwieldy to carry anything larger on the bus.
  • When your skin looks like it’s been Photoshopped: what’s a “pore?” is that something the plebeians have?
  • When a celeb replies to your tweet: thank you B-list comic from 1997, your approval of my sense of humor validates me.
  • Underwear that covers everything it’s supposed to: I’m not dealing with disobedient underpants on top of high heels, budget presentations, and windy city streets
  • My soul mate is a shade of lipstick: whoever you’re attracted to is probably fine. Humans are nice. My lipstick will remain fixed and flawless and no man will ever make me look as good.
  • Coupons: Why yes, I want to save $2 on my $5 purchase of Reese’s PB cups. I now have $2 for makeup.
this thanksgiving i'm going to preach my love of cats
What would cat standup routines look like?
  • When someone you really don’t like runs into a glass door: thunk.
  • Cat videos: I can watch thousands of hours of other people’s pets without hearing I’m “weird,” or a “loner,” or “hey lady, why are you in my living room?”
  • Cozy leggings: fleece-lined leggings, and thick cotton or woolen leggings that you wear with literally everything because why put on real pants?
  • When you finally make it through an entire yoga class without feeling like you’re going to die: joke’s on you, you live in a 2nd story walkup.
  • George Lucas is no longer involved in the “Star Wars” movies: Episodes IV-VI nailed Joseph Campbell‘s hero archetype, but Episodes I-III are upsettingly terribly written. He tried the revival treatment on Indiana Jones, too, and that was equally as bad. Episodes VII+ can spread their wings.
  • Freshly-shaved legs: accompanied by the urge to go up to everyone and demand they feel your smooth legs.
  • When you feel like an after picture: It’s one of the moments when you could dance down the street in a musical number, Rogers and Hammerstein-style
  • When a story you’re trying to tell is so funny you can’t finish it: incoherent laughter, while your friends start ignoring you
  • Arms: If you’ve pulled this out as something you’re thankful for, you’re really reaching.
  • Non-ironic meme participation: I’m finally old enough to discourage teenagers from popular trends, when I decide to participate. It is an awesome and heady power. Dab on the haters!

*My family observes Robert’s Rules of Order. I highly recommend it. Buy a written copy to have on-hand to resolve disputes, like my Dad.

Ciao, bella

hand-me-downs are really junk sometimes

Don’t Wring Your Hand[-me-down]s

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on Don’t Wring Your Hand[-me-down]s

At least 40% of the items I own are hand-me-downs, and I love it.

In Boston, there is something called “Allston Christmas.” This refers to a period of days leading up to September 1st, the day on which most Boston leases begin. Items are shuffled out of residences to make way for people moving in and out. The sidewalks are littered with furniture, appliances, clothes, and odds-and-ends. Some items will make it into their intended moving trucks, some will be packed into groaning cars. The end result is seen a treasure trove of items abandoned on the side of the road. Boston becomes a giant, unofficial flea market.

Allston Christmas is a bizarre bazaar, a paradoxical acceptance of re-purposing and hand-me-downs, and the casual discarding of inconvenient items. I once found an awesome steam mop, and a giant bag of pennies. Literal free money.

I have moved 7 times in the last 7 years. Moving everything I own so many times in the last few years is a literal pain in my side. I’ve considered selling everything and moving into a hostel. Ultimately I kept my lot, and shuffled it from one end of Boston to the other. I get it – there’s a host of reasons to get rid of things, especially when you move. I’ve been there.

When I moved out on my own, I learned the hard lesson that my single, poor, self would not have the same standard of living as my established, dual-income parents. I thought once I had my own place, I could go nuts and decorate it just like I wanted, and as re-do it as often as I wanted. That’s what TV and the internet said would happen, and they never lie! Turns out that decorating is expensive, even if you’re a shrewd Marshall’s shopper. I have learned to embrace hand-me-downs, and to enjoy the fact that I don’t have to deal with all the expense and decision-making that comes with re-decorating.

Hand-me-downs seem to be an incredibly divisive topic. One camp embraces the practice, and the other eschews it. For example, there are not many eight-year-olds that want to wear their older sibling’s cast-off jeans. A child turning up his nose at a hand-me-down is understandable. The parent, in that scenario, understands that clothing kids can be an expensive process, and re-using a pair of jeans can be a godsend. Flash forward to adulthood, and some people still hold on to that mentality – they want something new, not something previously used. Another might, with equanimity, embrace a hand-me-down phone.

No one blinks if you mention upgrading an electronic gadget. If a new device has just come out, well then there’s no sense in holding on to the old one, right? When a new sneaker line drops, a queue will wrap around the block for the launch, though those folks likely own several dozen pairs already. If an appliance breaks, no one will judge you for just buying a new one – repairing becomes a distant second thought. There is an element of truth to upgrading; items are not built to last indefinitely. Bust when repair is possible, that’s when it’s a great time to embrace the hand-me-down mentality.

Not only is it economical to have secondhand goods, it’s environmentally sound. Less material is put into landfills, and the earth is stripped of fewer resources. The bed frame that I’ve transported from one apartment to the next has incurred fractional monetary and environmental costs in gas, but has saved the manufacturing and transport costs of new bed frames each time I’ve moved. Passing a smartphone from one person to another means that the rare earth metals and plastic won’t sit in a landfill for the next few thousand years. Going through my friends’ closets to source an outfit is cheaper than buying a new one, and means I’m not buying stuff I just don’t need.

I would like, for a moment, to empathize with those who avoid hand-me-downs. There is something a little magical about getting something new. I love it when I get a new game, or new jewelry. Perhaps not possessing hand-me-downs is a personal triumph – it can mean someone is (perhaps) climbing the socioeconomic ladder. I won’t bash that person for a moment, since the thrill of achievement, and the hard work it took to get there, sometimes is as well-deserved as the new shoes/vacuum cleaner/phone. In that sense, I applaud them.

On the whole, I think it’s time to accept and embrace hand-me-downs. Scale down waste, look out for others, and enjoy what you have. Secondhand stuff is nothing to sneeze at; be glad you have anything at all.

Thanking you in anticipation

who tf is wearing long sleeves at a party

51 Reasons I Can’t Go Out Tonight

Posted on | by Emily | 4 Comments on 51 Reasons I Can’t Go Out Tonight

If you don’t want to, or can’t, go out, it’s only polite to offer up a reason.

Between school, work, and half-baked brunch plans, we’ve all needed to, at one time or another, wriggle out of an obligation. Regardless of whether the cancellation is legitimate or flaky, it is sometimes necessary to justify one’s absence. The ‘Sorry, I’m sick,’ and ‘Family emergency’ excuses are so overused that despite any possible truth behind the justification, it invites doubt. A little creativity goes a long way towards smoothing over potential issues. The reasons listed below can be applied to almost any situation – but the use of each needs to be sold. Convey your regrets sincerely and firmly, and do not offer follow-up information. Good luck, and Godspeed.

  1. Sorry, I made other plans.
  2. I will be unreachable at that time.
  3. Per your last email, I do not offer this service any longer.
  4. I just saw a photo of [handsome celebrity] and I need to lie down.
  5. I have some personal issues. Make gestures implying menstruation.
  6. Uber surge prices are crazy right now.
  7. I ate a burrito and now I cannot move.
  8. My beliefs mandate strict silence on that day.
  9. I’m too upset about CNN’s latest article.
  10. I already took my bra off.
  11. I need to reevaluate my stain-fighting methods.
  12. There are children starving in Africa.
  13. I’m giving up alcohol for the month.
  14. I have a think tank meeting.
  15. I’m not fit to be seen in public.
  16. Baby powder is linked to ovarian cancer and I’m entitled to financial compensation.
  17. I don’t know where my phone is.
    DARE +Nancy Reagan = true love
    Nancy Reagan would want me to make smart choices
  18. I said “you too,” when the ticket person said “enjoy your movie.”
  19. Crying, indistinct mumbling, wild gesturing
  20. DARE told me not to.
  21. My horoscope says otherwise.
  22. Just send me the notes.
  23. I need to source new vintage clothing.
  24. WebMD says I’m contagious.
  25. There is a dog asleep on me.
  26. I need an early start on Christmas shopping.
  27. Did the pope’s claim to primacy cause the western Catholic and Eastern Orthodox schisms?
  28. With this weather?
  29. The first day of a period is always the hardest.
  30. I promised to help my friends move.
  31. My Roomba trashed my apartment.
  32. Kanye. Shrug
  33. Anything I say or do may be used against me in a court of law.
  34. I need to finish up the bananas I bought a couple days ago before they go bad.
  35. My last date went terribly.
  36. I’m working on my bucket list.
  37. Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you.
  38. I don’t want to embarrass you.
  39. Think of the children!
  40. I am a sovereign citizen.
  41. I’m not sure about my workload right now.
  42. My fridge needs to be cleaned out.
  43. I need to do damage control.
  44. I’m doing my civic duty.
  45. Have you seen the crime statistics?
  46. My phone is on 5%.
  47. I’m channeling my inner Julia Child.
  48. I need ‘me time.’
  49. I do not recognize your authority.
  50. I’m not sure where the beef is.
  51. What happens when you cross a pun with a rhetorical question?

+1. There’s moderate to severe delays due to signal problems at Kendall station.

Veuillez recevoir, Madame, mes sincères salutations

how can I make this into $SHOP?! A soapbox thought

Soapboxing is Dumb, Let’s Reconsider

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on Soapboxing is Dumb, Let’s Reconsider

soap·box: ˈsōpˌbäks/ noun a box or crate used as a makeshift stand by a public speaker.

The action of getting up on one’s soapbox (to soapbox [v.]) is someone with a strong idea, needing to share it in the moment, finds something to stand on. Often the impromptu platform for soapboxing was that of its name sake – a crate used for shipping soap. Soapboxes were a key component of street oratory; sidewalk speakers who were holding meetings or making speeches needed to put themselves above the crowd to be seen and heard. This also created controversy: it pitted public order against the freedom of anyone to speak out loud. It also set up “rival” soapboxers – someone who would be there to offer opposing opinions. Skilled speakers had to be quick on their feet, loud, and armed with wit.

Social media affords us the opportunity to hop up on our soapbox without abandon; clamoring and unfiltered. For better or worse, we’ve enabled opinions to be shared with everyone around the globe. World leaders celebrities and Joe-off-the-street can hop online and broadcast their feelings with three taps of a finger and 140 (or 280) characters. It’s simultaneously an wonderful resource, and a horrifying insight into others’ lives. I can know exactly what skincare routine my favorite B-list sci-fi celebrity utilizes, and also know how my coworker feels about their customers.

I think that this could be made so much better. I propose the idea of soapboxing be taken literally. Boxing is just two people, generally wearing protective gloves, throwing punches for a predetermined time in a boxing ring. Soapboxing would be boxing, but involving the usage or application of soap and also public speaking. If someone has an opinion and would like to speak on it, they need to arm themselves with bars of soap, and start throwing punches while talking. Fists clenched tightly around the Irish Spring bar, and shouting their outlook on corn futures in relation to $SHOP shorting. If there is someone with an opposing idea, they also ought to take up soap and begin swinging.

I’m aware this idea needs some polishing, and I’m open to suggestions. Perhaps there’s the caveat that your feet must remain on a literal soapbox while punching? Maybe the actual soap boxes themselves should be used as the weapons. Or even the boxing ring could be soap-coated, and the contest is to stay upright while also communicating your ideas. Though that may be heading towards mud wrestling. We’ll muddle through the fine details on that later.

There is progress to be made in getting up on a soapbox, and we’re the ones who have to figure it out. Social media has been a step up, but we can’t take a soapbox at face value. We need to have soap and faith – cry havoc and let slip the soapbox of war.

With greatest esteem and respect I am, dear sir, your most obedient and most humble servant

Free Background: Why Be Moody…

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on Free Background: Why Be Moody…

“Why be moody, when you can shake yo booty?”

I wrote myself a little note on the blackboard attached to my door and snapchatted it to my friends. I wanted this to be the last thing I saw as I walked out of my house each morning. Generally the notes I write are pithy and not suitable for general consumption, but this one was inspired!

I’m sure this is not original to me – I probably saw it on a Pinterest board somewhere.

Version Two of the background
Version One of the background

Regardless, after snapping it to my friends, I got some positive feedback. A dear friend Hannah wanted it for her phone’s background. I promised her a couple graphics within a few days – though as life does, it got away from me. They’re finally finished; a series of free backgrounds for all your tech. I have them each formatted with ideal sizing for phones, tablets, and desktop. All you have to do is click on the appropriate link to be brought to your image! Right-click or long-press to save the image.

Free Backgrounds:

Download phone background, version one (1080 x 1920)

Download phone background, version two (1080 x 1920)

Download large android background, version one (1440 x 2560)

Download large android background, version two (1440 x 2560)

Download iPad background, version one (2048 x 2732)

Download iPad background, version two (2048 x 2732)

Download background (tablet or desktop), version one (2048 x 1536)

Download background (tablet or desktop), version two (2048 x 1536)

I remain Sir, &c, &c

someone had some serious focus on this pile of clothes

I Moved a Pile of Laundry From the Chair to the Bed & Back for a Week – You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next!

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on I Moved a Pile of Laundry From the Chair to the Bed & Back for a Week – You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next!

Right hand to God, I think 60%* of my Facebook feed is terrible clickbait.

I get it, I really do. Somehow you have to break the flow of constant images and information competing for attention and make someone click on your article. A really easy way to do that is to have a cliffhanger-like title. It’s so common that there are literally websites, subreddits, Facebook pages, and twitter accounts designed to go through the article so you don’t have to.

My favorite articles are ones that pair the “what happens next!” title with an unrelated image.  Though, let’s be honest – it’s rarely an article. It’s usually 26 semi-related slides that all require different pages to be loaded. Gotta maximize that ad revenue, son!

The articles’ contents are really just appealing to the lowest common denominator – unabashed and morbid curiosity. I say this with at least four clickbait-y gadget reviews in my reading list. There is no condemnation from me for clicking on one of these articles. Seriously; cliffhangers have a long and storied (sorry) past of hooking a crowd in to obtain interest and engage them. Clickbait titles are just very tiny cliffhangers. It’s what you lean over your desk to discuss with your coworker instead of dealing with Cheryl from accounting. The end of last night’s popular sitcom; the articles with titles proclaiming “x celebrity did this action and you can too!”

I’m not saying anything new, but I would like to propose alternate clickbait. Title your photos with “My baby did this, and I can hardly believe it” and put their (normal) action in the caption. Like, we all know your baby has smiled – it’s gas, by the way, it’s always gas – but spice up the presentation. Maybe your baby’s month-by-month photos with the stickers could be something like “My baby is the size of a vegetable, and I can’t believe it!” It’s a pumpkin.

If our lives are going to be slowly consumed by clickbait, let’s embrace it, and make it our own.

Oh, if you were curious about the laundry situation, I’m still resolving it. The bottom drawer of my bureau has broken (the front panel has come off) and I’m whining and moaning about whether to repair it or purchase a new dresser. While normally I’d have just fixed it by now, the drawer is an amalgam of tiny nails, dovetail joinery, and a little bit of glue – I’m not even sure where to start. The whole bureau is a masterpiece of 80’s construction and style. Purchased for the grand total of “I found it on the side of the road,” it’s been a faithful companion, but I might just have to take it out back and put ‘er down.

Sent From My iPhone

*The other 40% of my Facebook feed consists of about 10% personal posts – life stuff, kids, event photos – and 30% cat and dog photos. I have no regrets.