i fuckin love pumpkin pie, back off

What I’m Thankful For

As the calendar page flips once more to November, it’s time to trot out the list of “what I’m thankful for.” Presumably, the list is brought out because of Thanksgiving. Canada, however, celebrates their Thanksgiving in October, so I would say it’s more of a general “holiday” spirit that brings the list up.

When my mother moves* to have everyone say something they’re thankful for, pre-Thanksgiving Dinner, I will be producing this written list, and reading it aloud.

  • The return of mom jeans: high-waisted jeans, which are flattering on approximately 35% of the population, bring a sense of comfort
  • Entrepreneurs: people are solving problems and launching new businesses. Creativity is to be celebrated.
  • Travel: I can order drinks and start fights in several languages
  • Netflix: Despite the judgy “are you still there?” pop-ups. It’s worse when you see your reflection in the black screen and you can’t meet your own eyes.
  • Champagne: bubbles and alcohol make anything palatable; my life’s one long bar exam
  • Celebrities appointed to academic positions of power: If Sean Spicer can be a Harvard Fellow, then it’s demonstrably true that no matter what I do, there will always be hope for me.
  • Timehop (or, “On This Day…”): there might be a pizza stain on my sweatpants, but at least I’m not taking blunder-ful teenage photos now. The #glowup is real.
  • PayPal: my tipsy impulse shopping enabler. Not everyone takes Venmo and it suuuuucks
  • When there’s one sweater left and it’s in your size: I don’t even feel a little bad about buying it.
  • The little things: it’s too unwieldy to carry anything larger on the bus.
  • When your skin looks like it’s been Photoshopped: what’s a “pore?” is that something the plebeians have?
  • When a celeb replies to your tweet: thank you B-list comic from 1997, your approval of my sense of humor validates me.
  • Underwear that covers everything it’s supposed to: I’m not dealing with disobedient underpants on top of high heels, budget presentations, and windy city streets
  • My soul mate is a shade of lipstick: whoever you’re attracted to is probably fine. Humans are nice. My lipstick will remain fixed and flawless and no man will ever make me look as good.
  • Coupons: Why yes, I want to save $2 on my $5 purchase of Reese’s PB cups. I now have $2 for makeup.
this thanksgiving i'm going to preach my love of cats
What would cat standup routines look like?
  • When someone you really don’t like runs into a glass door: thunk.
  • Cat videos: I can watch thousands of hours of other people’s pets without hearing I’m “weird,” or a “loner,” or “hey lady, why are you in my living room?”
  • Cozy leggings: fleece-lined leggings, and thick cotton or woolen leggings that you wear with literally everything because why put on real pants?
  • When you finally make it through an entire yoga class without feeling like you’re going to die: joke’s on you, you live in a 2nd story walkup.
  • George Lucas is no longer involved in the “Star Wars” movies: Episodes IV-VI nailed Joseph Campbell‘s hero archetype, but Episodes I-III are upsettingly terribly written. He tried the revival treatment on Indiana Jones, too, and that was equally as bad. Episodes VII+ can spread their wings.
  • Freshly-shaved legs: accompanied by the urge to go up to everyone and demand they feel your smooth legs.
  • When you feel like an after picture: It’s one of the moments when you could dance down the street in a musical number, Rogers and Hammerstein-style
  • When a story you’re trying to tell is so funny you can’t finish it: incoherent laughter, while your friends start ignoring you
  • Arms: If you’ve pulled this out as something you’re thankful for, you’re really reaching.
  • Non-ironic meme participation: I’m finally old enough to discourage teenagers from popular trends, when I decide to participate. It is an awesome and heady power. Dab on the haters!

*My family observes Robert’s Rules of Order. I highly recommend it. Buy a written copy to have on-hand to resolve disputes, like my Dad.

Ciao, bella

doomsday live there there's no tomorrow, am i rite?

Doomsday Prepping: Pack The Bugout Bag!

There’s a tiny piece of me that believes the end of the world will be marked by a Zombie outbreak.

Zombie outbreaks and real-life Zombie diseases have been extensively written about. In the most rational part of my mind, I understand a Zombie outbreak cannot happen. The rest of me watches commuters on the 8AM bus; I’m fairly certain we’re not far off from Zombies already.

There are entrenched societal beliefs that the universe will come to an end. Many theories exist on how this will happen. These theories range from Christ’s second coming, to Heat Death (The Big Freeze), or perhaps the End Times have come and gone. One thing I know that will remain, despite the pending collapse of the natural world, are my government-issued student loans. I’m certain Sallie Mae will have me working the nigh shift to pay off post-apocalypse loans.

There is a subset of people who believe in an apocalyptic scenario, and they seem to over-enthusiastically prepare for End Times. It can provide great entertainment to rubberneck at these “preppers;” there was, at one time, a television show on the topic, called Doomsday Preppers. These doomsday “preppers” purchase kits for outfitting bunkers with food and supplies. Manuals exist on how to survive and thrive in a post-apocalyptic world. Blog posts have been created on how to repurpose household items for survival purposes. There are even coloring pages introduce the topic at a young age!

In the vein of the coloring page I released, I would like to introduce the best tchotchkes to include in a bugout bag. After all, there’s no time like the present to start your doomsday prepping – pack like there’s no tomorrow!

Recommended List of Bugout Bag Items:

Highlighter-Yellow Backpack

This will make you easy to spot for miles around! Friends or foes can find you through a dimly-lit forest. No worries; you’re just signaling that you have plenty of stuff to share.

Large Machete

You will need a sharp item to cut through brush, or kill your food. Be sure the knife is as large as possible for maximum effectiveness; everyone will know you’re not one to be messed with. A small blade would not allow you to defend yourself properly [against Zombies].m'zombie studied the doomsday blade

Gallon Water Jugs

Don’t fuss with a water purification system. Those have chemicals in them; there’s even concerns about those systems’ effects on the sexuality of amphibians. Not only will carrying full gallon jugs protect our amphibian friends, it will tone your arms, too.

Gold Coins or Bars

In the event of total economic collapse, paper money will be worthless. Gold will be the only useful currency. It’s too solid to be damaged, like paper, and it will be in high demand when it comes time to forge wedding rings for those post-apocalyptic nuptials.

Painkillers

The idiom “take two Tylenol and call me in the morning” exists for a reason. There’s no need for kits with gauze, tape, and antihistamines – they just take up too much space. A Ziploc with some Advil or Aleve is all you need! Besides, if you need more than a simple pain reliever, the Zombies will make a quick end to you anyway, eliminating the need for more advanced medical care.

Blow Torch

Matches can get wet, and lighters are too small. A blow torch can start a fire quickly, and your fuel will be readily accessible. In the event of damp clothing, quickly dry it by aiming the blow torch carefully to evaporate the water – two uses for the price of one.

Metal Stock Pot

At some point you will need to cook a meal, and you’ll have to do it on a stove – microwaves probably won’t have any power after global EMPs. Have a solid cooking pot into which you can put all your food. It also doubles as a helmet!

Phone/Tablet

There’s no need to carry bulky maps or compasses – the GPS on a phone will be able to pinpoint your location. Make sure you also have a charger with you – maybe two. For additional power, it is prudent to have external batteries with you. Of course, in the event of an EMP, this advice is worthless.

Food

Don’t worry too much about packing food, as plants and animals will be readily available. If you choose to pack food items, be sure to pack high-nutrient items, like avocados, lean proteins such as turkey or pork tenderloin, and beans. For convenience, consider packing canned items. You only need a small donkey to aid you here. Otherwise, you’ll need to be plant-wise to feed yourself. If you come across a plant and you’re unsure if it’s safe to eat, chew a portion of it slowly – you have pain killers in case something goes wrong.

 

Including all of these items fills up a bugout bag quickly. Fortunately, you will be able to loot and barter for supplies. If you don’t have everything on this list, don’t worry. This list is designed for Joe and Jane Everyday; people just like you and me. There might be other recommendations out there with labels stating “serious preppers only;” don’t be confused if these lists don’t match.

If there’s any Apocalypse prepping you feel I missed, drop me a line on Twitter!

Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail

Disclaimer: some of these links are to Amazon products. I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com

who tf is wearing long sleeves at a party

51 Reasons I Can’t Go Out Tonight

If you don’t want to, or can’t, go out, it’s only polite to offer up a reason.

Between school, work, and half-baked brunch plans, we’ve all needed to, at one time or another, wriggle out of an obligation. Regardless of whether the cancellation is legitimate or flaky, it is sometimes necessary to justify one’s absence. The ‘Sorry, I’m sick,’ and ‘Family emergency’ excuses are so overused that despite any possible truth behind the justification, it invites doubt. A little creativity goes a long way towards smoothing over potential issues. The reasons listed below can be applied to almost any situation – but the use of each needs to be sold. Convey your regrets sincerely and firmly, and do not offer follow-up information. Good luck, and Godspeed.

  1. Sorry, I made other plans.
  2. I will be unreachable at that time.
  3. Per your last email, I do not offer this service any longer.
  4. I just saw a photo of [handsome celebrity] and I need to lie down.
  5. I have some personal issues. Make gestures implying menstruation.
  6. Uber surge prices are crazy right now.
  7. I ate a burrito and now I cannot move.
  8. My beliefs mandate strict silence on that day.
  9. I’m too upset about CNN’s latest article.
  10. I already took my bra off.
  11. I need to reevaluate my stain-fighting methods.
  12. There are children starving in Africa.
  13. I’m giving up alcohol for the month.
  14. I have a think tank meeting.
  15. I’m not fit to be seen in public.
  16. Baby powder is linked to ovarian cancer and I’m entitled to financial compensation.
  17. I don’t know where my phone is.
    DARE +Nancy Reagan = true love
    Nancy Reagan would want me to make smart choices
  18. I said “you too,” when the ticket person said “enjoy your movie.”
  19. Crying, indistinct mumbling, wild gesturing
  20. DARE told me not to.
  21. My horoscope says otherwise.
  22. Just send me the notes.
  23. I need to source new vintage clothing.
  24. WebMD says I’m contagious.
  25. There is a dog asleep on me.
  26. I need an early start on Christmas shopping.
  27. Did the pope’s claim to primacy cause the western Catholic and Eastern Orthodox schisms?
  28. With this weather?
  29. The first day of a period is always the hardest.
  30. I promised to help my friends move.
  31. My Roomba trashed my apartment.
  32. Kanye. Shrug
  33. Anything I say or do may be used against me in a court of law.
  34. I need to finish up the bananas I bought a couple days ago before they go bad.
  35. My last date went terribly.
  36. I’m working on my bucket list.
  37. Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you.
  38. I don’t want to embarrass you.
  39. Think of the children!
  40. I am a sovereign citizen.
  41. I’m not sure about my workload right now.
  42. My fridge needs to be cleaned out.
  43. I need to do damage control.
  44. I’m doing my civic duty.
  45. Have you seen the crime statistics?
  46. My phone is on 5%.
  47. I’m channeling my inner Julia Child.
  48. I need ‘me time.’
  49. I do not recognize your authority.
  50. I’m not sure where the beef is.
  51. What happens when you cross a pun with a rhetorical question?

+1. There’s moderate to severe delays due to signal problems at Kendall station.

Veuillez recevoir, Madame, mes sincères salutations

i've done this exact thing, so no judgement

Ultimate Guide to Troubleshooting Anything

Troubleshooting doesn’t have to be scary. Having issues with your phone? Dishwasher? Intern? Never fear – I have the solution. Follow these steps exactly and I guarantee a fix.

  1. Stare at the offending item. Let your eyes bore holes into its depths. Silently communicate your vast and unending disappointment with its failure.
  2. State the issue out loud. “This phone is not connecting to outside lines.” Perhaps the item was not aware of the issue. Unless it is a lazy person – they always know, they just don’t care.
  3. Declare why this is a problem. “If the report came in on time, the meeting would have been more productive.” This may solve issues with personnel – but the stapler may not care.
  4. Turn it off and on again. This is a common phrase thrown around in IT forums, because it works.  Depending on the item, this can require some creativity. For coworkers, it is recommended you place a 5-minute moratorium on conversation. With a water bottle, it is recommended to unscrew then refasten the lid. Pens provide a challenge; the recommendation is scribbling on a Post-It like a lunatic.
  5. Examine the item to see if all lights are on. Sometimes the light is on, but no one is home.
  6. Ensure that everything that should be plugged in is plugged in. Offer coffee to the item, if there are no cables to plug in.
  7. Take two deep breaths, and silently count to five, while looking at the ceiling. Mentally pack a suitcase to run away with.
  8. Check for updates. If there are several iterations of a meeting agenda circulating, it is guaranteed that at least three people will not have the correct one.
  9. Check for conflicts. It may be that there is something not allowing the item to function properly. Resolve issue by removing conflicting program, item, or element. This may require a new loop through the troubleshooting.
  10. Begin percussive maintenance. Apply the flat of your hand, or side of your fist as appropriate. Exert moderate force and repeatedly strike to jar item back into alignment. This step not recommended for fragile items. [Editor’s Note: step also not recommended for living items.]
  11. If an error message occurs, take note. The message may have helpful information on what went wrong, and how to fix it. If the error message is just incomprehensible sobbing, offer the item a drink.
  12. Google keywords. Input relevant words – “exhaustion” “office decor” “iphone not charging” or “dishwasher gaining sentience.” Be as specific as possible; put in make, model, year, or serial number as appropriate.
  13. Delegate responsibility. It may be that the item should be fixed with someone with a more specific skill set, and that’s okay. Due diligence was done when you did troubleshooting.
    1. Customer service. Wait on hold as you are told repeatedly that your call is very important, and the representative will be with you as soon as they can. This may increase your frustration, and require repetition of steps one and seven. When you do get ahold of a real person, they probably have a script to follow, again requiring repetition of steps one and seven.
  14. Take a lap. The problem has been fixed, is being fixed, or is unfixable and the item requires replacement. You can breathe now. And filch the chocolate hidden in your coworker’s desk. No judgement.

Kindest regards, sincerely yours