Tag: wordplay

doomsday live there there's no tomorrow, am i rite?

Doomsday Prepping: Pack The Bugout Bag!

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on Doomsday Prepping: Pack The Bugout Bag!

There’s a tiny piece of me that believes the end of the world will be marked by a Zombie outbreak.

Zombie outbreaks and real-life Zombie diseases have been extensively written about. In the most rational part of my mind, I understand a Zombie outbreak cannot happen. The rest of me watches commuters on the 8AM bus; I’m fairly certain we’re not far off from Zombies already.

There are entrenched societal beliefs that the universe will come to an end. Many theories exist on how this will happen. These theories range from Christ’s second coming, to Heat Death (The Big Freeze), or perhaps the End Times have come and gone. One thing I know that will remain, despite the pending collapse of the natural world, are my government-issued student loans. I’m certain Sallie Mae will have me working the nigh shift to pay off post-apocalypse loans.

There is a subset of people who believe in an apocalyptic scenario, and they seem to over-enthusiastically prepare for End Times. It can provide great entertainment to rubberneck at these “preppers;” there was, at one time, a television show on the topic, called Doomsday Preppers. These doomsday “preppers” purchase kits for outfitting bunkers with food and supplies. Manuals exist on how to survive and thrive in a post-apocalyptic world. Blog posts have been created on how to repurpose household items for survival purposes. There are even coloring pages introduce the topic at a young age!

In the vein of the coloring page I released, I would like to introduce the best tchotchkes to include in a bugout bag. After all, there’s no time like the present to start your doomsday prepping – pack like there’s no tomorrow!

Recommended List of Bugout Bag Items:

Highlighter-Yellow Backpack

This will make you easy to spot for miles around! Friends or foes can find you through a dimly-lit forest. No worries; you’re just signaling that you have plenty of stuff to share.

Large Machete

You will need a sharp item to cut through brush, or kill your food. Be sure the knife is as large as possible for maximum effectiveness; everyone will know you’re not one to be messed with. A small blade would not allow you to defend yourself properly [against Zombies].m'zombie studied the doomsday blade

Gallon Water Jugs

Don’t fuss with a water purification system. Those have chemicals in them; there’s even concerns about those systems’ effects on the sexuality of amphibians. Not only will carrying full gallon jugs protect our amphibian friends, it will tone your arms, too.

Gold Coins or Bars

In the event of total economic collapse, paper money will be worthless. Gold will be the only useful currency. It’s too solid to be damaged, like paper, and it will be in high demand when it comes time to forge wedding rings for those post-apocalyptic nuptials.

Painkillers

The idiom “take two Tylenol and call me in the morning” exists for a reason. There’s no need for kits with gauze, tape, and antihistamines – they just take up too much space. A Ziploc with some Advil or Aleve is all you need! Besides, if you need more than a simple pain reliever, the Zombies will make a quick end to you anyway, eliminating the need for more advanced medical care.

Blow Torch

Matches can get wet, and lighters are too small. A blow torch can start a fire quickly, and your fuel will be readily accessible. In the event of damp clothing, quickly dry it by aiming the blow torch carefully to evaporate the water – two uses for the price of one.

Metal Stock Pot

At some point you will need to cook a meal, and you’ll have to do it on a stove – microwaves probably won’t have any power after global EMPs. Have a solid cooking pot into which you can put all your food. It also doubles as a helmet!

Phone/Tablet

There’s no need to carry bulky maps or compasses – the GPS on a phone will be able to pinpoint your location. Make sure you also have a charger with you – maybe two. For additional power, it is prudent to have external batteries with you. Of course, in the event of an EMP, this advice is worthless.

Food

Don’t worry too much about packing food, as plants and animals will be readily available. If you choose to pack food items, be sure to pack high-nutrient items, like avocados, lean proteins such as turkey or pork tenderloin, and beans. For convenience, consider packing canned items. You only need a small donkey to aid you here. Otherwise, you’ll need to be plant-wise to feed yourself. If you come across a plant and you’re unsure if it’s safe to eat, chew a portion of it slowly – you have pain killers in case something goes wrong.

 

Including all of these items fills up a bugout bag quickly. Fortunately, you will be able to loot and barter for supplies. If you don’t have everything on this list, don’t worry. This list is designed for Joe and Jane Everyday; people just like you and me. There might be other recommendations out there with labels stating “serious preppers only;” don’t be confused if these lists don’t match.

If there’s any Apocalypse prepping you feel I missed, drop me a line on Twitter!

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Disclaimer: some of these links are to Amazon products. I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com

Boston is pretty dope or to use a local idiom - my boston accent is wicked awesome

Screw – I Love My Boston Accent

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on Screw – I Love My Boston Accent

“Pahk the cah in Hah-vahd Yahd!” That’s a felony, ya dingus.

When my brother and I have a few drinks, we begin shouting quotes from The Departed at each other in outlandish Boston accents. Truly abhorrent “I’m nahwt a cawp!” impressions and riffs fly free. If we aren’t in the same room, or even in the same state, it isn’t weird to receive a text that reads “I’m nawht a cawp!” or as close as autocorrect will let us type. It’s this type of easy mockery that has made Boston a laugh-fest for anyone who has ever heard the accent.

New England, as a whole, has an idiosyncratic way of speaking, but Boston, I contend, has the most distinctive linguistic characteristics. The Boston accent was created by a confluence of Puritan settlers (east Anglican) eventual Irish immigrants, and later, Italian immigrants. Of course, many other nations added their own unique ingredients to the linguistic soup du jour in the area. Still, Boston continues to retain, amazingly, some of the British pronunciations that came over with the first wave of settlers.

The Boston accent can be summed up by three distinct traits: non-rhotic, vowels, and consonants. We drop the ‘r’s, blend our vowels into one indistinct sound, and swallow our consonants instead of pronouncing them. In true Yankee fashion, we do re-use the ‘r’s that we drop – or quasi-pronounce, such as the word ‘corn’ becoming ‘cawn.’ Those ‘r’s reappear at the end of words ending with a vowel that are then succeeded by a word beginning with a vowel. To demonstrate: “the tuner [tuna] is…” or “write in your agender [agenda] and…”.

the grasshopper that flies over Faneuil Hall has a Boston Accent too
The grasshopper that flies over Faneuil Hall has a Boston accent too

Neighborhoods within Boston – and the surrounding suburbs – stand out in the way they speak as well. To someone outside Boston, the accent will sound the same, regardless of the sepaker’s origin. The North Shore – Lynn, Peabody, Gloucester, etc – has an Italian influence, while the South Shore – Braintree, Quincy, Duxbury, Plymouth, etc – has a thick Irish influence and the stereotypical Boston accent. That same South Shore (pronounced ‘Sou-hShore,’ all one word) way of speaking is what Hollywood often uses as the Boston accent; masterful examples of this are The Departed and Julianne Moore in 30 Rock.

On top of the Bostonian mush-mouthed speech, we also keep a long list of townie slang – indecipherable to the listener who was raised outside of Massachusetts. Boston holds a number of double standards about the way names of locations are pronounced, such as Gloucester, Dorchester, and Worcester, all of which are spoken differently. It’s these bizarre, incoherent conventions that have shaped my perspective, and I would not change it one bit.

A long-standing tradition in observational comedy is riffing on local accents or pronunciations; it’s a shtick that works well. There are some phenomenal routines based on linguistic differences all across the globe. I was recently listening to a podcast in which the presenter went on a tirade about Australian city names. The short of it is that Aussies tend to hold double standards on the pronunciation of stressed consonants, and they drop their ‘r’s, akin to Boston.

The Australian city of Melbourne is not pronounced “mell-borne,” but rather “mell-bin,” or as near as one can write the pronunciation out without resorting to IPA symbols. The capital city of Australia, Canberra, is not pronounced “can-berr-rah,” it’s pronounced “ken-breh.” The podcast was amusing – cultural differences are always funny – but not hilarious. These pronunciations are sensible! I’m on your side, Australia – our accents may be ridiculous, but at least we stand out from the crowd.

Even though I embrace the Boston accent and quirks, I am well aware of its ridiculousness.

We pick up liquor at the packie (package store), and it’s cash only for a scratchie (scratch-off lottery ticket). To pick a fight, we end our statement with “Ya wanna go?” i.e., “You want to go outside and fight?” The number after thirty-nine is fah-ddy (forty). Calling someone kehd (kid) is a term of affection. Never take the Pike (Massachusetts Turnpike, or Masspike) to the Pru (The Prudential Center) – it’s a terrible exit. Literally zero people have ever used a blinkeh (blinker/turn signal) on Massave (Massachusetts Avenue) or Commave (Commonwealth Avenue). My friend said she loved the Tam (popular dive bar), So don’t I? (I do too!). A cop told a bunch of kids hanging on the corner to screw (Get out of here, leave).

A Boston perspective on language, and how malleable the English language can be, is awesome. I do my best to sound like a nondescript American when I speak, but sometimes the Boston shows up. If you people-watch on the Common, the way I speak won’t sound weird. I’ll see if I can’t get it fixed, but I’m not real worried. 

Until next time, with friendly thanks

i've done this exact thing, so no judgement

Ultimate Guide to Troubleshooting Anything

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on Ultimate Guide to Troubleshooting Anything

Troubleshooting doesn’t have to be scary. Having issues with your phone? Dishwasher? Intern? Never fear – I have the solution. Follow these steps exactly and I guarantee a fix.

  1. Stare at the offending item. Let your eyes bore holes into its depths. Silently communicate your vast and unending disappointment with its failure.
  2. State the issue out loud. “This phone is not connecting to outside lines.” Perhaps the item was not aware of the issue. Unless it is a lazy person – they always know, they just don’t care.
  3. Declare why this is a problem. “If the report came in on time, the meeting would have been more productive.” This may solve issues with personnel – but the stapler may not care.
  4. Turn it off and on again. This is a common phrase thrown around in IT forums, because it works.  Depending on the item, this can require some creativity. For coworkers, it is recommended you place a 5-minute moratorium on conversation. With a water bottle, it is recommended to unscrew then refasten the lid. Pens provide a challenge; the recommendation is scribbling on a Post-It like a lunatic.
  5. Examine the item to see if all lights are on. Sometimes the light is on, but no one is home.
  6. Ensure that everything that should be plugged in is plugged in. Offer coffee to the item, if there are no cables to plug in.
  7. Take two deep breaths, and silently count to five, while looking at the ceiling. Mentally pack a suitcase to run away with.
  8. Check for updates. If there are several iterations of a meeting agenda circulating, it is guaranteed that at least three people will not have the correct one.
  9. Check for conflicts. It may be that there is something not allowing the item to function properly. Resolve issue by removing conflicting program, item, or element. This may require a new loop through the troubleshooting.
  10. Begin percussive maintenance. Apply the flat of your hand, or side of your fist as appropriate. Exert moderate force and repeatedly strike to jar item back into alignment. This step not recommended for fragile items. [Editor’s Note: step also not recommended for living items.]
  11. If an error message occurs, take note. The message may have helpful information on what went wrong, and how to fix it. If the error message is just incomprehensible sobbing, offer the item a drink.
  12. Google keywords. Input relevant words – “exhaustion” “office decor” “iphone not charging” or “dishwasher gaining sentience.” Be as specific as possible; put in make, model, year, or serial number as appropriate.
  13. Delegate responsibility. It may be that the item should be fixed with someone with a more specific skill set, and that’s okay. Due diligence was done when you did troubleshooting.
    1. Customer service. Wait on hold as you are told repeatedly that your call is very important, and the representative will be with you as soon as they can. This may increase your frustration, and require repetition of steps one and seven. When you do get ahold of a real person, they probably have a script to follow, again requiring repetition of steps one and seven.
  14. Take a lap. The problem has been fixed, is being fixed, or is unfixable and the item requires replacement. You can breathe now. And filch the chocolate hidden in your coworker’s desk. No judgement.

Kindest regards, sincerely yours

how can I make this into $SHOP?! A soapbox thought

Soapboxing is Dumb, Let’s Reconsider

Posted on | by Emily | Leave a Comment on Soapboxing is Dumb, Let’s Reconsider

soap·box: ˈsōpˌbäks/ noun a box or crate used as a makeshift stand by a public speaker.

The action of getting up on one’s soapbox (to soapbox [v.]) is someone with a strong idea, needing to share it in the moment, finds something to stand on. Often the impromptu platform for soapboxing was that of its name sake – a crate used for shipping soap. Soapboxes were a key component of street oratory; sidewalk speakers who were holding meetings or making speeches needed to put themselves above the crowd to be seen and heard. This also created controversy: it pitted public order against the freedom of anyone to speak out loud. It also set up “rival” soapboxers – someone who would be there to offer opposing opinions. Skilled speakers had to be quick on their feet, loud, and armed with wit.

Social media affords us the opportunity to hop up on our soapbox without abandon; clamoring and unfiltered. For better or worse, we’ve enabled opinions to be shared with everyone around the globe. World leaders celebrities and Joe-off-the-street can hop online and broadcast their feelings with three taps of a finger and 140 (or 280) characters. It’s simultaneously an wonderful resource, and a horrifying insight into others’ lives. I can know exactly what skincare routine my favorite B-list sci-fi celebrity utilizes, and also know how my coworker feels about their customers.

I think that this could be made so much better. I propose the idea of soapboxing be taken literally. Boxing is just two people, generally wearing protective gloves, throwing punches for a predetermined time in a boxing ring. Soapboxing would be boxing, but involving the usage or application of soap and also public speaking. If someone has an opinion and would like to speak on it, they need to arm themselves with bars of soap, and start throwing punches while talking. Fists clenched tightly around the Irish Spring bar, and shouting their outlook on corn futures in relation to $SHOP shorting. If there is someone with an opposing idea, they also ought to take up soap and begin swinging.

I’m aware this idea needs some polishing, and I’m open to suggestions. Perhaps there’s the caveat that your feet must remain on a literal soapbox while punching? Maybe the actual soap boxes themselves should be used as the weapons. Or even the boxing ring could be soap-coated, and the contest is to stay upright while also communicating your ideas. Though that may be heading towards mud wrestling. We’ll muddle through the fine details on that later.

There is progress to be made in getting up on a soapbox, and we’re the ones who have to figure it out. Social media has been a step up, but we can’t take a soapbox at face value. We need to have soap and faith – cry havoc and let slip the soapbox of war.

With greatest esteem and respect I am, dear sir, your most obedient and most humble servant