Emily, Author at Emily.Digital

i've done this exact thing, so no judgement

Ultimate Guide to Troubleshooting Anything

Posted on October 18, 2017 | by Emily | Leave a Comment

Troubleshooting doesn’t have to be scary. Having issues with your phone? Dishwasher? Intern? Never fear – I have the solution. Follow these steps exactly and I guarantee a fix.

Stare at the offending item. Let your eyes bore holes into its depths. Silently communicate your vast and unending disappointment with its failure.
State the issue out loud. “This phone is not connecting to outside lines.” Perhaps the item was not aware of the issue. Unless it is a lazy person – they always know, they just don’t care.
Declare why this is a problem. “If the report came in on time, the meeting would have been more productive.” This may solve issues with personnel – but the stapler may not care.
Turn it off and on again. This is a common phrase thrown around in IT forums, because it works. Depending on the item, this can require some creativity. For coworkers, it is recommended you place a 5-minute moratorium on conversation. With a water bottle, it is recommended to unscrew then refasten the lid. Pens provide a challenge; the recommendation is scribbling on a Post-It like a lunatic.
Examine the item to see if all lights are on. Sometimes the light is on, but no one is home.
Ensure that everything that should be plugged in is plugged in. Offer coffee to the item, if there are no cables to plug in.
Take two deep breaths, and silently count to five, while looking at the ceiling. Mentally pack a suitcase to run away with.
Check for updates. If there are several iterations of a meeting agenda circulating, it is guaranteed that at least three people will not have the correct one.
Check for conflicts. It may be that there is something not allowing the item to function properly. Resolve issue by removing conflicting program, item, or element. This may require a new loop through the troubleshooting.
Begin percussive maintenance. Apply the flat of your hand, or side of your fist as appropriate. Exert moderate force and repeatedly strike to jar item back into alignment. This step not recommended for fragile items. [Editor’s Note: step also not recommended for living items.]
If an error message occurs, take note. The message may have helpful information on what went wrong, and how to fix it. If the error message is just incomprehensible sobbing, offer the item a drink.
Google keywords. Input relevant words – “exhaustion” “office decor” “iphone not charging” or “dishwasher gaining sentience.” Be as specific as possible; put in make, model, year, or serial number as appropriate.
Delegate responsibility. It may be that the item should be fixed with someone with a more specific skill set, and that’s okay. Due diligence was done when you did troubleshooting.
1. Customer service. Wait on hold as you are told repeatedly that your call is very important, and the representative will be with you as soon as they can. This may increase your frustration, and require repetition of steps one and seven. When you do get ahold of a real person, they probably have a script to follow, again requiring repetition of steps one and seven.
Take a lap. The problem has been fixed, is being fixed, or is unfixable and the item requires replacement. You can breathe now. And filch the chocolate hidden in your coworker’s desk. No judgement.

Kindest regards, sincerely yours

how can I make this into $SHOP?! A soapbox thought

Soapboxing is Dumb, Let’s Reconsider

Posted on October 11, 2017 | by Emily | Leave a Comment

soap·box: ˈsōpˌbäks/ noun a box or crate used as a makeshift stand by a public speaker.

The action of getting up on one’s soapbox (to soapbox [v.]) is someone with a strong idea, needing to share it in the moment, finds something to stand on. Often the impromptu platform for soapboxing was that of its name sake – a crate used for shipping soap. Soapboxes were a key component of street oratory; sidewalk speakers who were holding meetings or making speeches needed to put themselves above the crowd to be seen and heard. This also created controversy: it pitted public order against the freedom of anyone to speak out loud. It also set up “rival” soapboxers – someone who would be there to offer opposing opinions. Skilled speakers had to be quick on their feet, loud, and armed with wit.

Social media affords us the opportunity to hop up on our soapbox without abandon; clamoring and unfiltered. For better or worse, we’ve enabled opinions to be shared with everyone around the globe. ~~World leaders~~ celebrities and Joe-off-the-street can hop online and broadcast their feelings with three taps of a finger and 140 (or 280) characters. It’s simultaneously an wonderful resource, and a horrifying insight into others’ lives. I can know exactly what skincare routine my favorite B-list sci-fi celebrity utilizes, and also know how my coworker feels about their customers.

I think that this could be made so much better. I propose the idea of soapboxing be taken literally. Boxing is just two people, generally wearing protective gloves, throwing punches for a predetermined time in a boxing ring. Soapboxing would be boxing, but involving the usage or application of soap and also public speaking. If someone has an opinion and would like to speak on it, they need to arm themselves with bars of soap, and start throwing punches while talking. Fists clenched tightly around the Irish Spring bar, and shouting their outlook on corn futures in relation to $SHOP shorting. If there is someone with an opposing idea, they also ought to take up soap and begin swinging.

I’m aware this idea needs some polishing, and I’m open to suggestions. Perhaps there’s the caveat that your feet must remain on a literal soapbox while punching? Maybe the actual soap boxes themselves should be used as the weapons. Or even the boxing ring could be soap-coated, and the contest is to stay upright while also communicating your ideas. Though that may be heading towards mud wrestling. We’ll muddle through the fine details on that later.

There is progress to be made in getting up on a soapbox, and we’re the ones who have to figure it out. Social media has been a step up, but we can’t take a soapbox at face value. We need to have soap and faith – cry havoc and let slip the soapbox of war.

With greatest esteem and respect I am, dear sir, your most obedient and most humble servant

“I’ve ‘Matthew McConaughey’-ed Twice at Work Now, What Do I Do?” How to Recover From “Alright, Alright, Alright.”

Posted on October 10, 2017 | by Emily | Leave a Comment

When your joke falls flat, your reaction will determine how well you sleep that night.

I get it; I am the queen of both impulsive decisions and terrible jokes. That is, jokes that are quintessential “dad” humor, and jokes that are poorly constructed. It can be an absolutely disastrous combination.

My family prizes humor – my father often says his dream job would have been to sit around and come up with one-liners. Growing up, this meant that any discussion our family had was punctuated with dumb puns, pop culture jabs and M*A*S*H-style spoofs. When a joke didn’t land, it would be brushed off. There was no harm in testing new material or reaching for the subject matter; the worst someone would do was blow a raspberry and boo a little. While this meant that I had a completely awesome and supportive environment, it also meant that I gave into my predisposition to just blurt out the first thing that came to mind.

To sketch a framework of (horrifying) things that have come out of my mouth in a professional or formal setting:

Tim, the really nice HR guy: “Ooh, coffee. I need another cup. You like it black?”

Myself: “Yep, as black as my soul.”

Ross, my manager: “Jesus, Emily.”

(I was then forbidden from speaking to corporate unsupervised)

Another time –

Coworker picking up the phone: “Good morning-“

Myself: “VIETNAM!”

(I’m not allowed to say this in the office any more)

To finish this up –

Global Entry Officer conducting my interview: “Right, so anyone traveling in your party without enrolling in this program will not be able to go through the PreCheck line, they-“

Myself: “Yep, they’ll have to go through the peon line.”

(He gave me the hairy eyeball, but I ultimately was approved for the program)

This is not an exhaustive list by any stretch of the imagination. There’s a great deal of tiny interactions I’m sure I’ve forgotten that involved stupid puns, or knock-knock jokes with terrible punchlines, etc, etc.

The point being is that I had to learn the hard way to roll with the failures. If I didn’t, I would be miserable constantly. I would be doubting every fifth word coming out of my mouth and tossing and turning at night reliving all of the awkward moments I had placed myself in from the moment I could speak until the time I walked out of the office that day. A small chuckle, maybe a self-deprecating comment and a smile goes a long way toward smoothing any ruffled feathers or awkward silence or looks. It doesn’t have to be perfect – I’m certainly not claiming to be – but it’s critical to be able to roll with anything. Even if the roll is a Nat 1.

Regarding the Matthew McConaughey impression that brought you here: please evaluate why you’ve said “alright alright alright” twice in a single day. Then, embrace the McConaissance and begin perfecting your drawl. Only take on rom-coms until you decide to shed your surfer life and become a dramatic actor. Youths these days, man, I get older, they stay the same age. Or something like that.

yrs as always

Free Background: Why Be Moody…

Posted on October 7, 2017 | by Emily | Leave a Comment

“Why be moody, when you can shake yo booty?”

I wrote myself a little note on the blackboard attached to my door and snapchatted it to my friends. I wanted this to be the last thing I saw as I walked out of my house each morning. Generally the notes I write are pithy and not suitable for general consumption, but this one was inspired!

I’m sure this is not original to me – I probably saw it on a Pinterest board somewhere.

Regardless, after snapping it to my friends, I got some positive feedback. A dear friend Hannah wanted it for her phone’s background. I promised her a couple graphics within a few days – though as life does, it got away from me. They’re finally finished; a series of free backgrounds for all your tech. I have them each formatted with ideal sizing for phones, tablets, and desktop. All you have to do is click on the appropriate link to be brought to your image! Right-click or long-press to save the image.

Free Backgrounds:

Download phone background, version one (1080 x 1920)

Download phone background, version two (1080 x 1920)

Download large android background, version one (1440 x 2560)

Download large android background, version two (1440 x 2560)

Download iPad background, version one (2048 x 2732)

Download iPad background, version two (2048 x 2732)

Download background (tablet or desktop), version one (2048 x 1536)

Download background (tablet or desktop), version two (2048 x 1536)

I remain Sir, &c, &c

Cat Law: Just Try Sitting On It

Posted on October 1, 2017 | by Emily | Leave a Comment

If the human legal idiom is “possession is nine tenths of the law,” then the cat law equivalent is “if in doubt, sitting on it has a 90% success rate”

Cats are notoriously imperialistic: what they touch is theirs. The coffee table, your sleeping face, the half-drunk glass of water, dog food, and a prize orchid. If a cat has touched it, it is theirs. A favored method of the cat is just sitting on it. To be sure, this applies to all of the items listed above and more.

There is definitely something to be said for this – asserting your place in the world by just sitting on it. However, I’d like to discourage anyone from dropping trou and planting their bare tukhus on a public surface. That’s just gross.

Firstly, the bus (or train). There is an awkward balance between leaving enough space between yourself and your neighbor, and also fitting everyone into the bus (or train car). Sometimes it’s easier to stand on the bus and avoid any potential confrontation rather than squish yourself down into an open seat. This is when to channel a cat and plant your butt right down. It might be prudent to do the perfunctory mouthing of “is this seat taken” or “is it OK if I sit here?” You aren’t really a cat, after all – manners should be part of your life.

Secondly, the bathroom. This, to my knowledge, is primarily a woman-based issue. Women decide that it’s more sanitary to hover over the toilet seat. Take three seconds, a bit of toilet paper, and clean the seat, if you’re worried. Sit yourself down, ladies. The person cleaning the bathroom will thank you. The back of your legs isn’t going to just fall off if you make seat contact. Take a lesson from a cat and sit down.

Third, the conference room. There always seems to be a bit of a tip-toeing dance in a conference room. Should you sit next to your team? Away from or angled towards where the projector is? Is this the time to squish up next to the VP? While I’m sure each meeting has nuances that dictate social mores, a cat would not care. Take a page out of a cat’s book – put your butt in a chair, and let the others do the dancing.

Cats, ladies and gentlemen, have a lot of it right. Assert yourself, and look cute while doing it.

Yours, etc.

someone had some serious focus on this pile of clothes

I Moved a Pile of Laundry From the Chair to the Bed & Back for a Week – You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next!

Posted on September 28, 2017 | by Emily | Leave a Comment

Right hand to God, I think 60%* of my Facebook feed is terrible clickbait.

I get it, I really do. Somehow you have to break the flow of constant images and information competing for attention and make someone click on your article. A really easy way to do that is to have a cliffhanger-like title. It’s so common that there are literally websites, subreddits, Facebook pages, and twitter accounts designed to go through the article so you don’t have to.

My favorite articles are ones that pair the “what happens next!” title with an unrelated image. Though, let’s be honest – it’s rarely an article. It’s usually 26 semi-related slides that all require different pages to be loaded. Gotta maximize that ad revenue, son!

The articles’ contents are really just appealing to the lowest common denominator – unabashed and morbid curiosity. I say this with at least four clickbait-y gadget reviews in my reading list. There is no condemnation from me for clicking on one of these articles. Seriously; cliffhangers have a long and storied (sorry) past of hooking a crowd in to obtain interest and engage them. Clickbait titles are just very tiny cliffhangers. It’s what you lean over your desk to discuss with your coworker instead of dealing with Cheryl from accounting. The end of last night’s popular sitcom; the articles with titles proclaiming “x celebrity did this action and you can too!”

I’m not saying anything new, but I would like to propose alternate clickbait. Title your photos with “My baby did this, and I can hardly believe it” and put their (normal) action in the caption. Like, we all know your baby has smiled – it’s gas, by the way, it’s always gas – but spice up the presentation. Maybe your baby’s month-by-month photos with the stickers could be something like “My baby is the size of a vegetable, and I can’t believe it!” It’s a pumpkin.

If our lives are going to be slowly consumed by clickbait, let’s embrace it, and make it our own.

Oh, if you were curious about the laundry situation, I’m still resolving it. The bottom drawer of my bureau has broken (the front panel has come off) and I’m whining and moaning about whether to repair it or purchase a new dresser. While normally I’d have just fixed it by now, the drawer is an amalgam of tiny nails, dovetail joinery, and a little bit of glue – I’m not even sure where to start. The whole bureau is a masterpiece of 80’s construction and style. Purchased for the grand total of “I found it on the side of the road,” it’s been a faithful companion, but I might just have to take it out back and put ‘er down.

Sent From My iPhone

*The other 40% of my Facebook feed consists of about 10% personal posts – life stuff, kids, event photos – and 30% cat and dog photos. I have no regrets.

someone took a close-up of grapes, idk man.

An Argument For Grapes – the Ballistically Smart Fruit

Posted on September 27, 2017 | by Emily | Leave a Comment

I’d like to pick a fruit fight.

A bowl of grapes sat on my desk at work, and the thought of flicking one across the room to bounce off a forehead was really tempting. My family and friends can attest to the fact that I have hucked a fair amount of fruit at them over the years. In fairness, some of the fruit-throwing was provoked. If someone says “do it, you won’t,” what is there to do?

In case there was concern, I did make it through the work day without any grapes flying through the air.

Reflecting on all the fruit-launching, I’ve come to the conclusion that the grape is the best choice for throwing.

Consider your personal favorite fruit. If you were to try and throw the fruit, what would that look like? Some fruits are just stupid choices, like cantaloupes. They’re weighty and all they do is bulk up fruit salad. A blueberry isn’t a bad idea, but it’s so light that doesn’t fly well, and someone’s gonna be pissed if they have to scrub a purple stain out of clothing. There are others choices probably better suited as biological weapons, like durian. Durian could arguably be an effective ground-based weapon, akin to a caltrop.

Enter the grape.

Grapes fly with a reasonable degree of accuracy, don’t leave marks if you hit your target (though they’re heavy enough to irritate), grapes taste good, they’re light, and easily obtained. As a bonus, if the grape is ripe, there’s no spatter on impact or airborne scatter.

Regardless of what kind of grape it is, I’ll peg it across the room, no questions asked.

If you’re wondering what kind of person thinks about these arguments, I make no apologies. I went to grape lengths to compile this. Don’t be sour.

Eat it, nerd.

The Rules of the English Language:

bal·lis·tic: (bəˈlistik/) adjective – relating to projectiles or their flight.
ad·verb: (ˈadˌvərb/) noun – a word or phrase that modifies or qualifies an adjective, verb, or other adverb or a word group, expressing a relation of place, time, circumstance, manner, cause, degree, etc.

these are actually ruins of poseidon's temple in greece. joke's on you.

Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day

Posted on September 26, 2017 | by Emily | Leave a Comment

But they sure had more than one person to help build it.

I did some super serious math; the time it would take one person to build the entire city of Rome at its peak population would be approximately a kajillion years. Seriously – one person tasked with creating the entire infrastructure and bits and pieces of Rome would go absolutely insane. They’d throw up their hands and quit. Stomp off in their leather sandals screaming something about the exceedingly high expectations of their boss and just where they can shove their amphora. The building materials and partially finished city would just sit there forever as a parade of people walked past going “yeah, I’m not gonna be the sucker who tries to take that on.”

When I decided to re-launch my blog, I had four hundred ideas and a lot of enthusiasm. Two weeks later, upon purchasing server space and a domain, I had at least six feasible ideas and a moderate amount of enthusiasm. The enthusiasm was mostly caffeine. A week and a half after that, packing up my apartment in preparation for moving to my new space, I had four ideas that I was fairly sure I could do and no enthusiasm. I knew I should do it, since I had already bought the digital space. I put it in the nebulous ‘I’ll get to it someday pile.’

Fast-forwarding three weeks to the present, I had an epiphany and a turkey burger. Mostly because the turkey burger was sitting in my fridge, and Diet Coke can’t be the only thing in ones diet.

I look at all my favorite design blogs and websites with their well-defined structure and layout and I’m trying to create the same multifaceted site with my limited spare time, resources, and knowledge, and expecting perfection. These sites may have a figurehead, but they were built with a team and with time. I, for as much as I’ll deny it, am a single person with limited free time.

Take By Dawn Nicole. Her work is pretty baller stuff. If you throw the URL in the Wayback Machine to a few months after launch, then you’ll see its foundations. It was just her – albeit with a pretty cool site – in her spare time.

I decided I was being stupid. A turkey burger needs Frank’s Red Hot. That, and I can’t wait around for that indefinite ‘it’s finished and perfect!’ date to revive and release a blog. That date will never come; I will have stomped off screaming. The ideas that have bounced around in my head can be fleshed out in time and with help. A two-page site with blog posts is a good place to start.

Author: Emily